SMTP as a dog

sheer@ACCESS.digex.net (Sheer Panic) write:
>I swear I'm gonna kill SMTP. Slowly and painfully.

Why ? What's SMTP ever done to you to deserve death ? Most of the problems related to SMTP are Luser created. I mean, its hardly SMTP's fault that lusers often show less intelligence than rocks is it ?

You should view SMTP as a nice friendly animal that does exactly what you tell it too... a dog would be a good example I guess:) The normal way it should work is:

Luser:	hmmm, I've got some mail to send out. SMTP! Where are you ?
SMTP:	Woof! <bounces up and licks user's face[1]>
Luser:	I've got some nice mail for you!
SMTP:	Woof! <bounces up and down in excitment>
Luser:	Here SMTP, fetch! <throws mail in direction of SMTP>
SMTP:	<catches mail> Woof!
Luser:	Good SMTP.
However, certain Lusers who think that they know what they are doing, don't do this. They don't treat SMTP very nicely and so SMTP responds in the typical way:
Luser:	Oi, SMTP! Where is that damned mail thing. Oi!
SMTP:	Grrrrrr
Luser:	<thwack> Don't do that. BAD SMTP.
SMTP:	GRRRRRRR
Luser:	Down... I've got some mail for you <throws mail at SMTP>
SMTP:	Yelp!
Luser:	Now, deliver it for me.
SMTP:	GRRRR <snip - SMTP bites big chunks from Luser arm>
Luser:	Argghhg... down, get off. I'll tell postmaster at you
SMTP:	<bites more>
Luser:	<starts hitting SMTP with a large stick> Get <thwack> Off <thwack> Me !
SMTP:	<bite, rend, maim, etc>
Luser:	Aieeee, Postmaster! Help
PostMaster:	Alright, SMTP. HEEL!
SMTP:	<stops bitting Luser and sits by Postmaster>
PostMaster:	Okay, what happened here then ?
Luser:	Well, I was trying to send some mail and...
PostMaster:	I wasn't talking to you. I was asking SMTP.
Luser:	What! You're going to trust that thing!
PostMaster:	<looks balefully at Luser> yes. Okay SMTP, what happened
SMTP:	Woof
PostMaster:	What, this luser hit you with that badly formed EMail message and put you into a mail loop ?
Luser:	I didn't do th...
SMTP:	WOOF
PostMaster:	SMTP seems to disagree with you. Looks like SMTP was correct to do some preventive maintainence on you
Luser:	Preventive maintainence? It attacked me!
PostMaster:	Exactly.... it will stop you from doing it again. Or it will once SMTP has finished with you.
Luser:	Wha..
PostMaster:	Hmmm, I've always wondered. Just how fast can a Luser run. SMTP, ATTACK!
Luser:	Argghgh....
SMTP:	<bounds after luser> GRRRRR
Luser:	AIEEEEIGIGHGH
PostMaster:	Not fast enough I guess.

[1]	Its a normal thing with most dogs... they don't really care who you are.... I guess I'm seeing SMTP as something like a labrador.... Although on some sites would prefer to see SMTP as a rabid wolverine :)

Thankfully, we're getting rid of all our customers who have a static IP address fairly soon. Which also means that they are not going to have stuff waiting in the mail queue any longer. A whole range of problems will be reduced in size :)

Posted on 14th Feb 1996