Spam, Spam, TCP Towers and Spam!

Late one afternoon at TCP towers the ComboLuser (see "BLFH - Bastard Luser From Hell" for more details of you really want to) made an attempt to send some EMail. The ComboLuser is so called due to it being two "people" who have bonded together to form a Luser of the most clueless sort. It is almost as if their lack of clues have joined to form a dense mass of cluelessness. Strange effects have been reported in the area of this luser thanks to the large gravitation feed caused by the large lack of clues.

Luser:	Where is it ?
Luser:	Where is what ?
Luser:	That thing we're going to send this out on.
Luser:	Oh, you mean that electric mail thing ?
Luser:	That's it!
Luser:	(in unison) EMail where are you ?

(nothing happens)

Luser:	Hmmmm, try pressing those buttons randomly
Luser:	That didn't work
Luser:	We'll have to think about this. I mean, we're not stupid, we can play music after all.

Time passes....

Luser:	Okay, let's try it again
Luser:	try what again ?
Luser:	that email thing
Luser:	oh yeah, what was it called again ?
Luser:	stmp or something
Luser:	(in unison)STMP ?[1]
Luser:	(in unison)SMTP ?
SMTP:	woof!
Luser:	Aren't you a nice dog
SMTP:	[bounces up and down wagging her tail]
Luser:	Here SMTP, have this nice sandwitch
SMTP:	woof!
Luser:	good girl!

Sometime later, one of the trolls passes the machine room and hears the sound of something being violently sick. Looking in, SMTP is the cause of the noise.

Troll:	Oi Simon, SMTP is being ill!
Simon:	What [runs into machine room] SMTP, what's wrong ?
SMTP:	[throws up again] BAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
Simon:	Its okay SMTP, you're going to be okay. [picks up a syring of vi and gently injects it into SMTP]
SMTP:	[goes to sleep]
Simon:	[looks at gunk SMTP threw up] yeaw, what's this. It looks like a strange ham-like substance. I think its spam.

With this realisation, Simon throws up as well. Time passes, both SMTP and Simon recover from their encounter.

Simon:	Are you feeling better now SMTP ?
SMTP:	woof
Simon:	Good, now can you tell me what happened ?
SMTP:	woof wooof growl whine bark woof
Simon:	A luser fed you spam and you vomitted it all over Compu$erve lusers ?
SMTP:	woof!
Simon:	[sigh] Which luser did it ?
SMTP:	woof
Simon:	The ComboLuser? I'll LART them for you....
SMTP:	[licks Simon's face]

As luck would have it, the ComboLuser was assaulting the phone firewall[2], asking what uppercase was.

PFW:	Its the capital letters
Luser:	I still don't understand
PFW:	The large letters
Luser:	Oh, them. Thanks.
PFW:	[looks skyward] Okay, our SysTroll would like a quick word
Luser:	Okay.
Simon:	Hello
Luser:	Hello simon[3].
Simon:	Why did you feed SMTP spam ?
Luser:	what do you mean by spam ?
Simon:	That spam sandwich that cause SMTP to vomit over about 1000 Compu$erve Lusers.
Luser:	oh that. Well, we didn't get any results from our web page so....
Simon:	so you decide to make SMTP vomit ?
Luser:	That's right.
Simon:	Its not a very nice thing to do
Luser:	Why isn't it nice. Its a good way to let people know about our BBS
Simon:	First of all, its against our T&C and secondly, its the worst possible way to conduct business. Do you know how many of those Compu$erve lusers are complaining ? Some are even asking for their dry cleaning bill to be paid!
Luser:	Well, the methods you suggested didn't work, so...
Simon:	so you feed SMTP spam.
Luser:	yes.
Simon:	Okay, this is your offical warning. Do this again and you'll be thrown from the tower. Followed by some 10ft spikes[4].
Luser:	How are we supposed to let people know about our BBS then ?
Simon:	I don't know; that's your problem. Not mine.
Luser:	okay.

A quick explanation is probably required here. This luser is attempting to sell music tution. Now, this in itself isn't a bad idea. However when it is joined with the lack of a clue this luser has it becomes one. The luser wanted to make lots of information about their teaching system available to other people, charging them for it. So they paid for a BBS. Not just any BBS mind, they got WildCat. Since they wanted lots of people to use their BBS, they got an 8 user license version. Its a pity that they only had one modem really. They also paid someone to build the relevent screens for them as well. Someone in the US, since they couldn't find anyone in the UK who would do it. After all of this, they had easily spent enough money to rent a large amount of web space out. And have someone design some really snazzy looking pages. In fact, they could have rented a leased line, had their own servers and pay someone else to maintain them. Several people, including the trolls, recommended that they have a web site. After all, if they were going to spend that much money.... They didn't listen and went for a BBS. That, from their comments, no one calls. They even had a single web page that said "If you'd like more information, call our BBS on +44 <blaugh>".

We now roll the clock forward about one week....

Luser:	Can we ask you something off the record ?
PFW:	Go on....
Luser:	We feed that spam sandwich to STMP last week using some software we bought. We got in contact with the company we got it from and they claimed that it wasn't really wrong to do it.
PFW:	That's a matter of opinion. Most people on the net think that its wrong to be cruel to animals by feeding them spam. Its also against our T&C.
Luser:	Well, yes. Its the only way we can advertise though. This company recommended that we should get an account at another ISP. We'd then have to use the address of that account for the EMail, but still use TCP to send the spam out.
PFW:	That would still be against our terms and condit..
Luser:	We know, but how would be do it ?
PFW:	erm, can you hold on one minute ?
Luser:	sure...
PFW:	[puts luser on hold and burst out laughing]
Other trolls:	Okay, what is it ?
PFW:	Its that luser again, they are asking us how they could spam without us knowing
Other trolls:	What ? [other trolls fall about laughing]
PFW:	What should I tell them ?
Simon:	That it would still be against our T&C and we'd shut their account.
PFW:	Okay [takes luser off hold] I'm afraid that we'd close your account if you did that.
Luser:	oh, bye then.

Moving forward to the next day....

Luser:	STMP ?
Luser:	That's not it....
Luser:	SMTP ?
SMTP:	woof!
Luser:	Here SMTP, I've got this nice sandwich for you.
SMTP:	whine
Luser:	No look, its chocolate covered....
SMTP:	Woof!
Luser:	and has coffee beans in it...
SMTP:	WOOF! [grabs sandwich from luser's hand]

John the unstable then heard the sounds of really violent vomiting coming from the machine room. Simon the Stressed wasn't in yet, he was suffering from a bad hangover having done some database work the night before. So John entered the machine room to find that SMTP had been projectile vomiting. It was on the racks, in the coffee, down the leased lines, under the UPS and behind the insulation. It was everywhere. In the middle of the pink vomit, was a very ill looking SMTP. Whose stomache was making some very strange noises. Seeing barrage about to be thrown at him, John ran for cover. Grabbing a large kill(1) gun he ran back into the machine room, almost slipping over the pile of spam that SMTP had just fired. "Its for your own good" said John as he fired a -1 bullet at SMTP.

About half an hour later, Simon the stressed entered into the tower to see the trolls wiping away the spam.

Simon:	[pauses for a minute in disbelief] That luser, they did, didn't they ?
John:	They did.
Simon:	Where is SMTP ? She didn't greet me as she normally does.
John:	I'm sorry, she had to be put down.
Simon:	[sigh] I suppose it would have been cruel to keep her alive.
John:	Yeah, the luser's account hasn't been closed yet.
Simon:	really.... we'll have to rectify that then....

So after checking with the boss, explaining to him what spam was and why it was bad along the way, the luser's account was toasted.

The trolls were rather happy with this, as one of the nastiest lusers TCP Towers had ever been assaulted from had been vanquished. Even better was the letter they wrote to us a couple of days after their account had been closed. They were begging for their account to be opened again. No legal threats mind, just begging :) They even promised not to spam again. After their past history with spamming, we didn't believe them. Their account remains closed to this day.

Another reason for rejoicing was another account being closed for non-payment. The account had been owned by Mr "I'm not a computer person" of "Is your caps lock key on"-"I'm not a computer person" fame. One or two other accounts of bad lusers have been closed as well for the same reason.

So TCP has defeated several of its worst lusers. The only thing we are wondering now is what is going to happen to make up for this ?

[1]	No, the STMP is not a mis-type in the above. Its just a luser attempting to use jargon and failing. It shows them up to be a dangerous luser who attempts to blind the PFW with jargon. It doesn't work as anyone can feel their insidious lack of clues coming across the phone.
[2]	Phone firewall, another name for the almost-troll that answers the phone at the tower.
[3]	Yes, these lusers know my name. This is a Bad Thing (tm).
[4]	We give spammers a single warning about their accounts. If they spam again, the account is closed. We have had more than one spammer at TCP. The majority heed our warning and don't do it again.

Posted on 25th Jul 1996