In an announcement yesturday, TCP Towers said that one of their trolls had escaped. The troll, Simon the Stressed, is believed to be armed and dangerous. The troll had been on the run for almost two weeks before the guards of TCP Towers noticed and raised the alarm. When interviewed over this lack of vigilance, a representive of TCP Towers had this to say:

"Our trolls are kept in a highly secure and constantly monitored environment. It is highly unfortunately that this incident has called the ability of TCP Towers to keep its trolls under lock and key into question"

Police say that they have placed troll traps near TCP Towers in the hope of catching the troll before it does too much damage. Police claim that they will have the troll back within TCP Towers in the near future. However, a troll which wished to remain anonymous had this to say:

"Simon the stressed is really dangerous, He's ready to go postal at the slightest provocation. If anyone asks him to deal with Informix they'll be hung, drawn, quartered and forced to eat Win95 CDs. He'll easily evade the chocolate and caffeine in the troll traps. He's gone for good and he's not coming back"

Investigations by this station have showed that the words of the anonymous troll look to be true; there have been several possible sightings of Simon the Stressed around the globe. Several were made in Britain in Sussex and London. Sightings in the US were made in Albquerque, Boston, Atlanta, Philadeliphia and Virginia. A small storm was made in the US military when a false sighting was made at Kirkland Airforce base in Albquerque. This sighting was believed to been caused by a number of squirels dressed up to resemble a troll. The reason for this is unclear and will be investigated in a forth-coming X Files episode.

In a related incident a large island made up water buffalo is causing serious problems to shipping in the mid-atlantic. The island was apparently caused by BRD packet storms between Shore.Net and TCP Towers. The herds of water buffalo traversing the trans-atlantic Internet connections resulted in several routers being trampled. The herds of water buffalo failed to be thrown between the Shore and TCP Towers and were instead trapped in the optical fibers which make up the trans-atlantic Internet connections. The sheer mass of water buffalo being thrown into the optical fibers caused them to swell up, forming the islands.

Our Internet correspondant, Doweb TrawlPorn had this to say:

"Its like, bringing the Information Superhighway closer to nature. Why shouldn't the water buffalo be allowed to form their own island on the net to surf from ?".

This is Iva Homepage saying goodbye for now from GrumbleMoo news.

Yep, its finally happened. Muggins here is offically no longer a Troll from TCP Towers. The LART of TCP Towers has now been passed from Simon the Stressed to John the Unstable. It is now his job to make the tales from TCP Towers known to the world.

Posted on 30 Aug 1996