TCP Towers under attack!

It had to happen...... The Coward, aka "I'm not a computer person" returned to attack TCP Towers. This thing from the depths of hell has caused more damage around TCP Towers than any other luser; normally thanks to the TCP guards taking their frustration out on the surrounding trees[1]. This BLFTDOH (Bastard Luser From The Depths Of Hell) spends many an hour assaulting TCP Towers. When it is satisfied it returns to whence it came Until it gets bored, screws up its configuration and comes back for another assault.

In the year of our lord 22nd April 1996, the BLFTDOH returneth to plague us. The first guard to encounter the beast was John the Unstable; who was unfortunately feeling a little more unstable than normal due to a heavy weekend recovering from the luser attacks of the week before. John the Unstable was very shaken after his encounter, but managed to tell the other TCP guards that the BLFTDOH was back. And it had muddled up the arcane scribblings in its the scrolls of Win95.

The next TCP guard to encounter the beast was Simon the SysManger - He who has been dragooned into being a TCP guard whilst other denizens from TCP Towers are sunning themselves in Scandinavia. The call went something like this:

Me:	TCP HowCanIHelpYou ?
Luser:	<nothing>
Me:	Hello ?
Luser:	<nothing>
Me:	[Thinks, some idiot trying to send a fax to us] Our fax number is 017...
Luser:	<quietly> its not working
Me:	What isn't ?
Luser:	My network connection
Me:	er, can I have your EMail address please ?
Luser:	th...
Me:	<at this point, I *knew* who it was.... I realised that I was faced with one of those calls>
Luser:	....and its not working
Me:	Okay, have you gone through all of the Windows 95 information we sent you ?
Luser:	Yes
Me:	And you have double checked everything ?
Luser:	Yes, and I'm certain I followed it correctly[2]
Me:	Okay. I just need to check a few things out....

So Simon the SysManger walked through the valley of Win95 configuration. Yey, even though he was sorely tempted to shout "Get a F**KING CLUE" down the phone he did not. Although the wall next to him looked oh so inviting he refrained from bash his skull against it. He even suffered running Windows95 to help this BLFTDOH out.

In the end, the BLFTDOH was routed, but only after Simon the SysManger had helped him re-configure the majority of his Win95 network runes. And this was after John the Unstable had skirmished with the BLFTDOH already.

[sigh] its going to be one of those fortnights I can tell. Now is the winter of our discontent, made worse by this lack of staff.

Raise the drawbridge. Man the battlements. Start boiling the oil. We're going to need them.

[1]	The king of the land of TCP has decreed that no luser can be killed as it reduces the taxes he can gain from them. Unfortunately, this has lead to quite a high attrition rate in the TCP guards. It is yet to be seen if the cost of replacing the guards killed in the luser assaults is more than the money gained in taxes.
[2]	Those dreaded words "I'm certain I..." are real lies when spoken from the mouths of lusers. Always question the use of the following phrases: "I'm certain I followed the instructions correctly", "I'm certain the cheque is in the post" and "I'm certain I switched my brain on this morning".

Posted on 22nd Apr 1996