What do you guys [Netizen] do anyway ?

Kirrily 'Skud' Robert original post

I suppose I should chime in with some comments on Netizen's brand shiny new office. See, it's in this shiny office block with a huge marble foyer, LED displays in the lifts^[1] that tell you what companies are on which floor, christmas muzak, and all that. It's full of people in nice suits, and lots of investment consultants (because we're about 2 doors away from the stock exchange).

Enter Morgan, in ripped jeans, bare feet, and dreadlocks; Skud, in black army pants and army boots; Thorfy, in leather trousers and a tail coat; Sharkey, in cutoff shorts and a flanelette shirt that's seen better days, wheeling a mountain bike; and other members of Netizen staff in appropriately inappropriate attire.

See suits cringe. Cringe, suits, cringe.

Occasionally, when it looks as if we've at least showered and are wearing clean tshirts, one of them will actually meet our eyes in the lift and ask "So what do you guys *do*, anyway?"

I need to come up with some good answers to that one. Suggestions welcome.

Zebee Johnstone

	"Terrorism mostly. Industrial Espionage pays better though"
	"Do? That's a real capitalist way of thinking! Can you teach me how to think that way, cos I've become a member of the ruling elite and no one gave me the instruction book."
	"Do? I've been known to mainline Earl Grey when I've been programming for more than 14 hours straight. I hear cocaine is the investment banker thing?"
	"performance art. THis lift is now on webcam, and when we get the radiation certificate, the X-ray model will *really* get us some headlines!"
	"We have been hired by the building managers to discourage people from standing outside the building and smoking. Seems they think that people in suits will be too weirded out to use the lift often. Reckon it will work?"

Tanuki the Raccoon-dog

	"If we told you that, we would have to kill you"
	"You'll find out... when the time is right..."
	"We're with the Bureau of Death, Enforcement division"
	"We're Bandwidth-police. Stand aside please"

Eric The Read

	"Acts of unspeakable evil."
	"I'm not quite sure how to describe it, cutie. Why don't you... come by sometime and I'll... show ya."[2]
	"Whatever they pay us to."
	"Personal achievement seminars."
	"Fashion shows."
	"Worship the great Shub-Internet."
	"Feast on the SOULS of the UNWORTHY!!!!! MUHAHAHAHAH!!!!"

Martin Wisse

"Same thing as we do every day. Trying to conquer the world.[3]"

Tom, the Tired

	"We're the pros from Dover."
	"Not much. But we have a dot-com name, we're IPO-ing on Tuesday, and we plan to buy this building and all the companies in it on Wednesday. If you want to be one of the people we keep, you could..."
	"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
	"I, uh, work for a government."
	"Narn Bat Squad. Don't ask."
	"Collection agency, but we do't collect money. How's your concience?"
	"Y2K terrorist clean up squad. We'll have all our heavy weapons out of here by the 5th, I think."
	"Auditors. From Griswold's Security (Brrrr)."
	"You haven seen amy guys wearing earpieces around here have you?"
	"We aren't the droids you're looking for. Move along."
	"Bastards. From Hell. What was your account name again? <clickety click>"

Crack Monkey

	"Argue, mostly."
	"I train german shepherds for pornographic movies."

Par Leijonhufvud

	"We breed and sell snakes. Mostly cobras, but we are diversifying."
	"About a year"
	"Hostage rescue, mostly"
	"Internet and phone traffic analysis for a government agency"
	"If I told you it wouldn't be secret, would it?"[4]

Jenny Holmberg

"Information Retrieval".

Mike Andrews

"Research on communications phenomena"[5]

Paul Mc Auley

	"Surveilance"
	"Investment Bank Robbery"
	"Everything . . . and Everybody"
	"Nothing, why what have you heard?"

Brian Kantor

	"What did you have in mind?"
	"That information is available on a need-to-know basis only"
	"I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to talk about it."
	"I think you'll have to ask the Major[6]about that."
	"That depends on how much you're willing to pay."

David DeLaney

"What is your security clearance, Citizen?"

Mark 'Kamikaze' Hughes

"You've heard the phrase 'information superhighway'? We're the people who will kill you if you use it around us. Any other questions, prole?"

I work in a similar environment. The service staff have no problems with tall guys with long ponytails, in black trenchcoats. The suits, OTOH, don't talk to me. I'm pretty content with it that way.

Alan W. Frame

"If you have to ask, you won't understand"

I tend to just look vague, and <handwave> reply "Stuff".

Steve VanDevender

Once someone asked me that question and I answered "I ride the big iron!" The puzzled look was so good that I put the phrase in my .sig.

coonec

	"Cleaning"
	"We're image consultants for Japanese grunge bands"
	"Motley Fool, Oz division"
	"If you hear what sounds like someone screaming, and it sounds like it's coming from our offices... just Don't Ask"
	... Themed tourguides?

John Barberio

	"Research" [pause] "Your office is lead lined right ?"
	[ignore] [pause] [to other netizen] "Are you sure the invisibilty suits work ?"

[1]	elevators
[2]	with appropriately Monroe-esque breathiness-- best performed by Thorfy
[3]	supervillainy bwahaha optional
[4]	A swedish journalist once got that response when -- before the days of hearing-aid uniforms -- he asked one of the fit young men hanging around the White House if he was with the Secret Service
[5]	What the NSA says when asked what they do.
[6]	s/the Major/agent Perkins/ etc